1st Presidential Address

"Good afternoon, my good people, and you are, by the way, good people, some of the greatest in the world and, more importantly, you are American, the greatest country in the world, and you have all spoken. You have listened to what I have had to say and you put me here to run this country, and, I tell you folks, I'm going to do it. I am going to run one hell of a country and I am going to make America great again!

"You know, there were some in the media, this lamestream media. Cowards. Each and every one of them and, you know, they attacked me. They spent all this time attacking me. Some of them were really vicious, and they attacked me hard, people. They said, 'Donald said this, and Donald did this, and look at his hands.' Well, look at these hands. Aren't these big hands? They're huge. Presidential hands. And, you know folks, you look back at these polls, and I was up big. I'm talking huge. Across the country. 20, 30, 40 percent. And, we go to this general election, and we absolutely rape Hillary. I mean, we beat that dried up prude to a pulp, and we got Bill over here, and he's crying and crying like the loser he is. And, you know folks, we did it. We did it!

"But, you know, I've got a lot to talk about today. A lot. But first, you know, let's give all of you a round of applause, because we did it.

"Listen, they said I couldn't do it. I couldn't be president. Not me. Yeah, they said some awful things, terrible things about me. But, look. Look who his here now. Am I right? I brought this country together. I got the white vote, the poor vote, the uneducated vote, and, oh, the uneducated vote. I just love you uneducated voters! Yes. I do. I do.

"So, let's do this, folks. Let's make America great again. And, we ARE going to make America great again, and it starts by fixing the mistakes of, what's his name again? You know, that big-lipped clown. What is it? O-Dumbo. Have you seen this guy? He's not even American. He's some Muslim from Nigeria. And we elected him as president? This is what I am talking about, folks. We have got to make America great again. We have to.

"So, look, I've been talking with some people. Some important people. You know, world leaders. Good people, too. And, I've been talking with this guy, Vladimir Putin. Have you heard of this guy? Great guy. Just a great guy. You know, he's been doing some amazing things over there in Russia. And, I look over here, and we aren't doing well. America is not doing well. It's just not. We're being beaten by every country in every category, and this is by countries like China. OK. China? Think about that for a minute. China.

"You know, America needs a dealmaker, and that's me. Probably the best deal maker ever. EVER. I practically wrote the book on it. Have you read it? It's called The Art of the Deal, folks. The second best book ever written. Next to the Bible, of course.

"So, I made a deal. Already folks. Not even in office for a week, and I'm already getting things done. I'm making America great again! So, I made a deal. A HUGE deal. Probably the best deal. So, let me tell you about it. And, did I tell you people how great you are, because you are. You really are, folks. So, as of tomorrow, you are all, each of you, and you are all such wonderful people. Really. You are. So, tomorrow, you are all going to be Russian citizens. Isn't that great? You are going to be part of the greatest country on Earth. So, yeah, I made a deal with Vladimir Putin. Probably the greatest deal ever. He gets this country and, in exchange, I get to fuck my daughter.

"Good night, comrades!"