Authoring, Step One: Appearance

It is just like the old adage: if it looks like a duck, it must be a talented and well-versed author, the kind of author dripping from his pores with syrupy ideas. And so, it should come as no surprise that the very first thing you must do in your quest to be an author is to nail down the look that screams out to your public, "I AM An AUTHOR!" If you follow these next few tips to a 'T', you will have already done the hardest part of authoring, the look.

Facial Hair: This is a must, actually, beyond a must. You want to complete ignore any kind of care to your face. What you are going for here is scraggly and unkempt. You need the kind of beard that says that you are just too entirely busy to pay attention to such trivial matters as personal hygiene. If you are, for whatever reason, incapable of growing a beard, then you need to, at the very least, let your eyebrows go bushy, or your nose hairs become long and mismanaged, or maybe you have a mole with a few hairs that you can let grow and grow. Oh, and if you happen to have a few gray hairs, let them shine through.

Head Hair: This needs to, without any shadow of a doubt, be as unruly, wild, and absolutely unkempt as possible. Your hair is the voice of your mind (I believe Aristotle said that one), and, as such, it needs to be as wild and untamed as the chaotic mess of ideas blabbering on in your skull cap. And, don't forget to never, ever wash your hair. In fact, you should go ahead and quit bathing altogether. If you have time for cleanliness, you don't have time to write.

Glasses: These are a must have. Nothing says 'author' quite like a pair of spectacles. And if you really want to make an impression on people, you need to make sure that those glasses are worn, broken, and ill-fitting. My own glasses, for instance, hang a half inch lower on the right side, have a tendency to fall off my face if my head leans forward past 30 degrees, is put together with bits and pieces of fishing line, and both lenses are completely riddled with dings and cracks and smudged all to Hell. In other words, these are the perfect author glasses.

Clothing: Of course, you are going to need clothing, but you need the right kind of clothing. Go ahead and go through your wardrobe and throw out...everything. Let's just start from scratch. Take a walk to your local thrift store. Now, look in your pocket and take out the crumpled up Hamilton you have been holding onto for the last two weeks. This will be your new clothing allowance. Make a run through your aisles and grab as much as you can for that ten. Try to at least have one pair of pants, a collared shirt, maybe a sweater, and definitely a jacket of some sort. Nothing has to match. It is probably preferred if they don't. Take some care in picking things out, because this will be all that you will wear throughout the writing experience. It is important to not wash your clothes. Leave all the dirt and grime, and don't worry about holes.

Hats: You are going to need something to protect your skull. Why not make it a ratty-tatty fedora, derby hat, toboggan, or Sherlock Holmes style headpiece. Try to avoid baseball caps, unless it is for some third tier baseball team that nobody has ever heard of and that hasn't played within the last twenty years.

Watches: No need. These are just a distraction. A true author has no use for the prison-like confines of Time.

Footwear: Open-toed sandals work best here. Converses, too. Avoid work boots or dress shoes. You are not building a house or running a successful business. Don't go overboard. You are just a writer.

If you look like an author, you will be treated like an author. Good luck on your path towards authorship.